Recently, when I went looking for the original copy of my bucket list to update, I came across some journal entries that I logged as a 16-year old exchange student in France. As I read through them I was actually kind of fascinated by how close my 16-year old self was to who I am today. My interceding years of debauchery and excess aside, I have always had a pretty clear vision of what I want out of life... which can be more frustrating than some might believe. I can't even count how many times people have told me how much they admire the fact that I know what I want. "I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up..." they say at 18, 25, and even 40. At the risk of sounding whiny and impatient (not to mention downplaying what I have been able to do), imagine knowing what you want and having it feel constantly out of reach!! Complaining aside, I really do think it's funny to note how much things stay the same when EVERYTHING about my life, my situation, even my religion, has changed. Consider the following excerpts, with my current thoughts:
December 26, 2004
Since I can remember, I’ve always wanted everything. My deepest desires comingle with fleeting will and I end up hoping it’s possible to just do it all. (Well now, if that don't sound oddly familiar) Not hard for someone who has somehow realized every major goal set to date, right? If only!
My first dream is practical; it’s to be a mother. Nothing is as precious as creating life, and I can only hope that I can find someone who shares my desires and understands my passions enough to be the kind of father I want for my children. (Who are you? Be 16!) I also hope that I’ll have the strength and courage to see me through the trying times and that I can follow the model of the good things my parents have done to have a happy, healthy family.
My second dream is to get a good education and find a job that I love enough to make a career out of. Most of my life I wanted to be a neonatal pediatrician, but these days all I really want to do is write.
My third dream is to travel. Everyone wants to see the world and I feel like I’ve already gotten a good start. I want to experience all of it… the beach in Thailand, the misery in Latin America, hunger Kenya, exotic animals in Australia… and a couple of romance stories and laugh along the way. I want to see things at face value and not luxe it out resort style, though that would be a nice break from time to time. Most of all, I want adventure.
My fourth dream is very personal in one sense. I want to publish a book. Since I was young I’ve been told I have a certain flair for writing and I would love nothing more than to immortalize creations of my mind on paper.
My fifth dream is kind of silly… it’s to leave a legacy. I want to be remembered for something… for good things. I used to want to be famous. There's some weird part of me that still does, but rationally, I don't understand it.
Couldn't have put it better myself... er, myself, now, that is.
January 23, 2005
In the snow I saw a young family. A little boy, probably around three years old with his gorgeous parents. I watched them chase each other, watched the little boy giggle as he made snowballs, watched the father playfully and tenderly play with his wife in the snow.
Watching them together made me yearn for that. I can just imagine being so happy and lost in our own doings that we don’t notice anyone or anything around us… so in love, and just enjoying time as a family. (I can still vividly remember watching that family. Especially today when the memory resurfaces I get a knot in my throat- call it a romantic notion, but it's still what I want).
It made me think of the type of mom that I want to be, and the type of man I want to find. Above all, he’s got to want to be a dad, who will be dedicated to the family, and who loves nothing more than being in our presence, and who will want to give anything and everything for his children. Hopefully he’ll be close with his own family, patient, tender and understanding. On the same token, he’s going to need to be strong-willed, ambitious and take pride in what he does and what he creates.
(Oh, there’s plenty more embarrassing drivel after this, not the least of which is me gushing over how romantic it would be if said man could play guitar and had the features of a certain Prince Eric—whom I still love, btw—dark hair, blue eyes, ya know… but we'll just skip that)
Sometimes things are too perfect to exist and based on experience, I kind of wonder if I’ll ever find someone who will love me unconditionally, for everything and all that I am. I believe in lasting love, and I believe that I will one day find my own Mr. Perfect Enough and we will play in the snow with our children.
(Ugh, keep the faith 16-year old me, keep the faith. It could be a long wait.)
February 21, 2005
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll be able to fit in everything I want to do in my life. I am conflicted about everything and decisions are hard to make. They aren’t really problems that have to be resolved RIGHT now but they are thoughts that nag at me. For example, where I’ll live, what I will study, who I will marry. For a long time my immediate answer has been Vancouver. How could I ever live away from from the ocean. But what about Calgry, wouldn’t it be nice to get back to my roots, and try a cow-girl life? But what if I want a bigger change? Maybe Toronto or Quebec will call to me. They are so far away from what I know but they may well be just what I need… but what if my taste of the world is a bug that catches? What if Canada suddenly isn’t enough to contain me. God knows I want to see the world.
I keep mapping out my future but there are too many possible routes. (Honestly, shouldn't the possibilities have narrowed by now, why do things seem even more wide open than they were before? Why do I have to have so many interests?)
How do I choose the right one?
How do I have enough confidence in myself to know it’s the right one?
And what if I choose the wrong one?
Where will I be 10 years from now?
Will I be happy? Successful? In love with life?
Do I want too much out of life?
(Why am I still asking myself these questions, seven years later?)
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