Living Plan B and Loving It

I've long referred to the path I'm on as Plan B. 

For a long time, I said "Plan B" like it was a dirty word, sour in my mouth. I was enveloped in a general sense of discontent, restlessly unhappy with my inability to make Plan A happen. I mean, by definition, Plan B is less desirable than Plan A- that's why it's Plan B, right? There is a special kind of anguish that comes from not being able to realize your heart's greatest wishes, and it can lead to a kind of bitterness that robs you of your happiness- if you let it.

For a while I did. I felt as though Plan A was my true calling, and my life lacked purpose and meaning without it. I found it frustrating and disheartening that I could be so well suited for something, and feel so powerless to achieve it. These feelings tested my faith and ate away at my happiness.

Some of you have probably guessed that my Plan A involves a husband and a house full of kids. Even before I joined the LDS Church, I aspired to motherhood the way my friends aspired to be singers and lawyers and hairdressers. Just seeing baby clothes has made my ovaries ache since I was a teenager.

Now, I’ve heard a lot of leaders in the LDS Church talk about timing, and specifically the need for each of us to trust in the Lord’s timing and the plans He has created for each of us. (There are some real gems in Timing by Elder Dallin H. Oaks). But there is so much more to finding joy in the journey than simply being patient.

Last April, President Dieter F. Uchdorf shared a thought in General Conference that reverberated to my very core. “How much of life do we miss by waiting to see the rainbow before thanking God that there is rain?”

I realized I had become so fixated on this “Golden Ticket” (see President’s Uchtdorf’s talk from October 2011) that I wasn’t appreciative of the skills, lessons and blessings I was acquiring from having this time as a single woman. Rather than truly being present in my life, I was going through the motions, merely enduring the trial of not getting what I want most of all.

Instead of being grateful for things, President Uchtdorf suggested we be thankful in our circumstances, whatever they may be.

Don’t get me wrong—I still want a family more than anything else. And there are still days I am dismayed by the thought that each year that passes reduces the possibility for the family I always dreamed of. But by choosing gratitude, I am happy right now, not just thinking about the someday. Because, let’s be honest… when that someday comes, there will be times of exhaustion and exasperation when I will think back to the life I’m living right now and all I will remember is how good I had it.  

The thing is, Plan A is out of my control. I am hopeful that everything it entails will come about in due time, but I'm not going to sit around waiting for it to happen. My calling in the meantime is to make the best possible use of the talents I've been blessed with. Cause here's the other thing: I have all the power in the world to ensure my life is full of purpose and meaning right now. And, by focusing on being grateful in my circumstances, I have come to love the life I'm living.

Even if I am operating on Plan B.