Living Plan B and Loving It

I've long referred to the path I'm on as Plan B. 

For a long time, I said "Plan B" like it was a dirty word, sour in my mouth. I was enveloped in a general sense of discontent, restlessly unhappy with my inability to make Plan A happen. I mean, by definition, Plan B is less desirable than Plan A- that's why it's Plan B, right? There is a special kind of anguish that comes from not being able to realize your heart's greatest wishes, and it can lead to a kind of bitterness that robs you of your happiness- if you let it.

For a while I did. I felt as though Plan A was my true calling, and my life lacked purpose and meaning without it. I found it frustrating and disheartening that I could be so well suited for something, and feel so powerless to achieve it. These feelings tested my faith and ate away at my happiness.

Some of you have probably guessed that my Plan A involves a husband and a house full of kids. Even before I joined the LDS Church, I aspired to motherhood the way my friends aspired to be singers and lawyers and hairdressers. Just seeing baby clothes has made my ovaries ache since I was a teenager.

Now, I’ve heard a lot of leaders in the LDS Church talk about timing, and specifically the need for each of us to trust in the Lord’s timing and the plans He has created for each of us. (There are some real gems in Timing by Elder Dallin H. Oaks). But there is so much more to finding joy in the journey than simply being patient.

Last April, President Dieter F. Uchdorf shared a thought in General Conference that reverberated to my very core. “How much of life do we miss by waiting to see the rainbow before thanking God that there is rain?”

I realized I had become so fixated on this “Golden Ticket” (see President’s Uchtdorf’s talk from October 2011) that I wasn’t appreciative of the skills, lessons and blessings I was acquiring from having this time as a single woman. Rather than truly being present in my life, I was going through the motions, merely enduring the trial of not getting what I want most of all.

Instead of being grateful for things, President Uchtdorf suggested we be thankful in our circumstances, whatever they may be.

Don’t get me wrong—I still want a family more than anything else. And there are still days I am dismayed by the thought that each year that passes reduces the possibility for the family I always dreamed of. But by choosing gratitude, I am happy right now, not just thinking about the someday. Because, let’s be honest… when that someday comes, there will be times of exhaustion and exasperation when I will think back to the life I’m living right now and all I will remember is how good I had it.  

The thing is, Plan A is out of my control. I am hopeful that everything it entails will come about in due time, but I'm not going to sit around waiting for it to happen. My calling in the meantime is to make the best possible use of the talents I've been blessed with. Cause here's the other thing: I have all the power in the world to ensure my life is full of purpose and meaning right now. And, by focusing on being grateful in my circumstances, I have come to love the life I'm living.

Even if I am operating on Plan B.

Don't Cry Over Spilt Milk

A few years ago I was in the midst of studying for final exams, wishing I could be out enjoying the spring sunshine when I got the brilliant idea to take the whole operation outdoors. I packed up my books, poured myself a bowl of cereal and balanced it all on top of my four-month old macbook pro so that I would have a free hand to unlock the door to the courtyard.

I made it down the stairs without accident or injury, but in an amazing display of coordination on a level surface I somehow tipped the bowl, drenching myself in milk and sending cereal flying everywhere. I congratulated myself on being a dummy, but initially I wasn’t too worried. I didn’t even think any milk had gotten on the computer—the books on top had hardly a drop on them!

False. 

I put my study supplies aside and went about cleaning up the mess without any worries. It wasn’t until I tried to turn on the computer and it didn’t start that a sick feeling balled up in my stomach. I took my mac in for diagnostics and spent the next few days under the weight of heavy dread. I just knew the computer was toast.

When I went back a few days later, I was surprised to hear them tell me it was the most extensive liquid damage they had ever seen. It didn’t even look like it had gotten wet! My heart sank when they told me they estimated it would cost more than $900 to repair. That was almost as much as the $1,100 I had paid for it in the first place. In my head I pleaded desperately to just be transplanted back in time a few days. I would do it all differently! I should never have used my computer as a tray. I could have easily made a couple of trips out to the lounge chairs rather than try to do it all in one fell swoop.

But it didn’t help. I still needed to address the issue of a computer. My crazy schedule often meant that the only time I had for papers and homework landed late at night, but the computer labs on campus were only open until 11pm and the busses didn’t even run that late (and as safe as I felt in Provo, I knew walking almost 2 miles alone late at night was not very bright). Renting a laptop from school was out of the question; the waiting list was dozens of students long.

The thing was, if I went ahead and replaced my computer, I would eat up the upcoming semester’s living budget, leaving me unable to pay rent or buy groceries.  I stewed on it, prayed and consulted with Heavenly Father. Was there some other alternative? A friend that could pick me up from school? Someone who could lend me a computer?

The more I thought about it, the more frustrated I was. I berated myself for my stupidity. I should have known better! It was such a stupid, irresponsible move. When would I ever learn? The inner dialogue was familiar; I'd given myself these same chastisements through countless adolescent screw-ups and perceived screw-ups.

Rather than improve the situation, my constant self-censure only served to make matters worse. I became sullen and stressed, demotivated and demoralized. None of it was helping get my computer back, and it certainly wasn't an ideal attitude to be taking into final exams. Finally, one night as I knelt in prayer, I felt the following words come to my mind: "Be kind to yourself. There is no expectation that you go through life without making mistakes."

Later, I came across a verse of scripture that spoke to me. "Whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials..." I felt a distinct impression that made me confident that somehow- somehow- Heavenly Father would help me out. I just didn't know how. After some intense contemplation, I decided buying the new computer was what I needed to do. 

The very next day, I was surprised to find my bank account topped back up to the pre-purchase level. There must be some mistake, I thought. But no, there was the charge for the computer… and then, a direct deposit from BYU. Curious! I logged into my campus financial center and found a message.

“Congratulations,” it said. “Due to another student being unable to accept the Communications talent award, you have been awarded a half tuition scholarship”.  Total award: $1,100.

The exact amount of the new computer.

I was just like:

For reals... Oh Em Gee!

I knew it was no coincidence; though, as a friend once told me, coincidence is just God’s way of staying anonymous anyhow. I was flooded with relief and euphoria, but most of all, gratitude. 

I had made a foolish decision with fairly severe financial consequences, but Heavenly Father had still seen fit to bless me. Not only had He taken care of my temporal needs by providing a replacement for what I had to spend to replace my computer, but the hard drive from my old computer wasn’t damaged. None of what mattered to me most—my pictures, music and other files—had been destroyed. I didn’t lose a single photo, song or assignment. I felt His love acutely.

I finally understood that old idiom “Don’t cry over spilt milk”. It does no good to castigate yourself or get upset about making a mistake, because ultimately, you can’t change it. You can’t get hung up on the “could haves” or the “should haves”. All you can do is recognize your mistake, learn from it, make appropriate amends if it adversely affects someone else, and move forward.

I have never again carried a bowl of cereal on top of my computer.

The funny thing is that hasn’t made me immune to the dangers of spilt milk. A few months after I replaced my computer I hosted a book club meeting with milk and cookies. I took great care to keep my glass of milk far from the computer, which was open on the coffee table with the discussion questions for our book.

Of course, that didn’t stop someone else from putting their glass on the coffee table and promptly tipping it over, sending a wash of cold, white fluid across the table, under and around my computer. “Not again!” I screamed in my mind as I jumped up to retrieve my computer and bolted into the kitchen to dry it off. I was perilously close to literally crying over spilt milk this time.

With the traumatized fear and fervor of a first-time mother fawning over her toddler’s scraped knee, I inspected every inch of the computer, my heart tapping an insistent staccato beat against my chest.

Fortunately, the computer came out unscathed.

The point here is that even if it hadn’t, “Don’t cry over spilt milk” applies to other people too. It wouldn’t have done me any good to think about what the other individual could have or should have done differently. No amount of contrition on her part or anger on mine could have fixed the computer if it had been damaged. I would have had every right to feel upset by the consequences of that mistake, but I couldn’t have held it against her, especially if she sincerely apologized or made an offer to help me procure a replacement. After all, it was an accident, an unintended mistake.

So to recap, here's what I learned:

1.  Milk and electronics don't mix

2. God loves us, and He works in mysterious ways to extend tender mercies when we are in need.

3. Don’t be too hard on others for their mistakes, be willing to forgive and move on... and extend yourself the same kindness.

Just One Mormon's Perspective on Marriage Equality

Editors Note: What an exciting time to be in DC! I feel so lucky to be here and to see the on-the-ground reactions to the historical Supreme Court decisions today regarding gay marriage. As a Mormon, I feel like it is often assumed that I am anti-gay. A lot of people have a hard time understanding how I can feel so confident in my faith and have such close, loving relationships with gay people (which in itself says something, I think). Believe me, sometimes it’s hard to wrap my head around it myself, but I believe that loving people—truly loving individual souls—has the power to reconcile just about anything. And well, love is pretty much what this whole debate is about.

What’s in a name?

 “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet,” Shakespeare famously wrote, meaning roughly that what we call things doesn’t matter nearly so much as what they actually are.  Putting aside for just a moment the issue of what we call legally binding lifelong commitments made by homosexual couples, can we first please agree that if marriage is a rose then, until today’s landmark decision,  gay “marriage” and civil unions actually looked more like, say, daisies?

I mean, daisies are great but they neither look nor smell like roses. Likewise, gay couples whose unions are recognized under state law do not have the same benefits and provisions of married heterosexual couples in that same state.  Instead, they have a number of financialdisadvantages and legal hoops to jump through.  Here’s an example:  gay couples cannot file joint federal tax returns and as a result are disqualified from a number of tax incentives their married heterosexual peers get to take advantage of.  Nevermind the wildly varying rights on things like making health decisions for a spouse who is sick or injured, or legal intricacies related to adopting children. 

That’s what makes today’s Supreme Court decision to strike down key provisions of the Defense of Marriage Act so important— it means that the federal government must recognize unions sanctioned by individual states, allowing legally joined spouses the access to federal benefits in states where gay unions already exists.

Equally important to note about today’s decision: It doesn’t mean that marriageequality has been achieved.  Still, just 18 states recognize gay marriage or civil unions, and today’s decision does not mandate legalizing gay marriage nationwide. In fact, it does nothing to prevent states from continuing to ban gay marriage if that’s what they really want to do.

Really, what’s in a name?

Okay, now that that’s out of the way, let’s get back to this sticky issue of what we should call these, um, commitments between homosexual spouses.  In May, New York Times bestselling authors Linda and Richard Eyre wrote in the Deseret News “Don’t call gay unions ‘marriage’”. This sentiment is by no means singular to Latter-day Saints (and in my experience, is a pretty divisive position among them anyways). While the Eyres raised a number of important points that I don’t necessarily disagree with, I would absolutely challenge them on one point: the value in the word.

Yes, “the gay rights movement cares because they know the emotional power and centuries of social legitimacy that the word marriage carries.” That’s precisely  why I am an advocate for marriage equality.

First of all, by definition, social legitimacy is not the same thing as moral legitimacy. There are many things that are socially acceptable that might not be what one group or another considers morally right-- some cultures think placing children for adoption is wrong, even if the baby’s mother is already a struggling single mother of three who could not provide for the child in the same way an adoptive couple could. Even if the broader society in which they live embraces adoption. This means that especially as a “peculiar people” there are going to be things that our society is completely okay with that do not conform to our own religiously held moral imperatives. We have to learn to live in this world and leave the judgment up to the Lord. The reality is that if gay marriage is seen as socially legitimate by a large enough part of the population (which I believe it does) then it has social legitimacy whether or not you want to lend them the word “marriage”.  

Any two people who legally and lawfully pledge their lives to one another not only deserve all the benefits and provisions the government provides a heterosexual couple , they deserve to call it the same thing, because from where I’m standing, love is love inasmuch as the state is concerned.

Secondly, I am not entirely worried about redefining this “ancient, important word” because to me, the core definition of the word marriage is a consensual, contractual and committed relationship recognized by law. This part has always been the same, as far as I can tell, even when, for example, certain laws permitted that relationship to extend beyond a man and just one woman. As far as I am concerned, anyone can have a marriage, but not everyone has the temple blessings of an eternal marriage. It is in the temple ceremony and the sealing of the Holy Ghost that a marriage between man and woman is ordained of God.

And you know what? Gay people, like anyone else who doesn’t live the full range of gospel standards to qualify for a temple recommend (including a great many Mormons), do not have that. So to say or insinuate that gay marriage would taint the sanctity of the union is bullhooey for two reasons. 1) Heterosexuals did that a long time ago. 2) The sanctity of marriage is not in its title, it’s in the eternal covenants made between a man, a woman and God at the altar of the temple and it’s in their faithfulness in living up to those covenants throughout the rest of their lives.

And, contrary to what some might have us believe, the government isn’t coming to take all our religious freedoms away from us just yet.

Part of the statement issued by President Obama in response to this morning's decision.

How we define and consecrate marriage is up to us—we just happen to believe that how we do it is how God himself wants it. We have the religious freedom to say and act on that… but that religious freedom also means that we do not have the right to willfully impose that on anyone else.

Defending Marriage

I do believe we should defend marriage—eternal marriage—by living the kinds of lives that enable us to marry in the temple, and investing in ourselves and our marriages in a way that lives up to the covenants made there. By all means, teach your kids correct principles, instill in them your own value sand morals, tell them why eternal marriage is so sacred.  But while you’re at it, make sure you’re giving adequate thought to the second great commandment. Heavenly Father loves all of His children, and we are commanded to do the same, even as Christ himself loves us.

See you when I see you

I am standing upon the seashore,

A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze

and starts for the blue ocean.

She is an object of beauty and strength,

and I stand and watch until at last she hangs

like a speck of white cloud

just where the sea and sky come down to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says,

"There she goes!"

Gone where?

Gone from my sight... that is all.

She is just as large in mast and hull and spar 

as she was when she left my side

And just as able to bear her load of living freight

to the place of destination.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her.

And just at the moment

when someone at my side says,

"There she goes!"

there are other eyes watching her coming...

and other voices ready to take up the glad shout...

"Here she comes!"

~Henry Van Dyke~

I'm so glad that you are finally at peace.

I love you grandma.

See you when I see you. <3

Lois Ann Patricia Ward

April 21, 1947 - June 5, 2011

Gotta have... HOPE

"Doesn't it seem like there's a natural disaster, like every time we turn around?"

A friend of mine asked me this after the tragedy in Japan… echoing something I’d just been thinking. Haiti, Chile, Brazil, Malaysia, New Zealand: Floods, landslides, cyclones, hurricanes, drought, earthquakes, tsunamis. All within the last 14 months. And this list is nowhere near exhaustive. 

Then there's crime, violence, intolerance, corruption, poverty, hatred, racism, neglect... all within our own backyards. Not to mention anger, contention, fear, self-loathing, loneliness, sadness, and the like all within our own hearts and minds.

Nevermind the woes of the world, sometimes the challenges that plague us can seem completely overwhelming. 

How can we keep up with the mounting chaos around us? Should we even bother? The questions come fast and hard as the helplessness of any given situation looms over us, perhaps even tempting us to ask if there really is a God, and if so, why he would let so much tragedy befall his children.

Then there's a story like this:

A bright ray of hope amidst the chaos and destruction that surrounds us, this four-month old baby was found in the rubble in Japan, three days after being swept out of her mother's arms by the giant wave that destroyed their home.


That she did not drown, that she was not crushed by the debris... these things are inconceivable. This child is, quite simply, a miracle. Despite all the devastation, the death and despair that overtook Japan, there are tender mercies to be found. This little girl, like the rainbow after the flood, becomes a promise to each of us that God is aware.


These days, the world feels like a very fragile place to be in. We watch these things unfold and I can only wonder what is next. It's hard to not be influenced by pessimism when you don't know what the future holds, what might be in store around the corner. My peace comes from the fact that while I don't know what the future entails, I know in whose hands it rests. Because I put my faith in my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ, I have hope.


President Dieter F. Uchtdorf defines hope not as knowledge, but rather "the abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promise to us. It is confidence that if we live according to God's laws and the words of His prophets now, we will receive desired blessings in the future. It is believing and expecting that our prayers will e answered. It is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm and patient perseverance."


Whether facing our own demons, or challenges of global proportions, it would do us well to remember that "our most significant opportunities will be found in times of greatest difficulty" (President Monson). The difference between between allowing ourselves to be torn down in times of trial, or built up, is our attitude, our faith, and our hope. (Please excuse the literalness of the following quote, given recent events)

"Hope is a steadying influence, an anchor to the soul. That is it to say that it can keep us from drifting aimlessly or getting caught in whirlpools or running into sandbars. Hope, the anchor, is essential in this world so full of tidal waves. Sometimes those waves slap us from behind, sometimes we see them coming but cannot stop them or get out of the way. In all cases hope ties us to safety. The waves come and go in their fury or playfulness, but hope is always there if we will but use this sure anchor." 

Elaine L. Jack, "A Perfect Brightness of Hope", Ensign, Mar. 1992, 10

In regards to the bigger, global challenges that stare us down, many Christians believe that the second coming is fast approaching and all this madness is part and parcel of the millennium. If that's true, can we be justified in letting nature run it's course rather than doing what little we can? It drives me nuts to hear people say things like that the problems are too big for us to tackle. In the Doctrine and Covenants, we read the Lord's promise: "He that endureth in faith and doeth my will, the same shall overcome." The question becomes, what is the Lord's will?


This question brings me back to President Uchtdorf's notion of patient perseverance. To persevere is to continue steadfastly, and maintain a purpose in spite of difficulty, obstacles or discouragement. To me that suggests that we are to continue to do what we can, for as long as we can, even if the results are not immediately, or ever, evident, even if the road is difficult.


In Esther 4:14 we read “Who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” Who are we to deprive our brothers and sisters of our time, talent, and love, simply because it is inconvenient, challenging, or even seemingly hopeless? Faith and hope expressed through our love, and willingness to serve is all that matters.


So, in the wake of this particular disaster, what can we do?


First of all, we can donate- time, money, resources, emergency kits, whatever. Check out www.its4agoodcause.com and see the different ways you can get involved, including simple things like being a socially responsible consumer.


Secondly, we can be aware. Maybe it's not possible for us to donate money or time to help in Japan, but there are certainly people right around us that could use our help. The simplest of gestures make the greatest difference. I will never cease to be amazed just how much use God has for me when I am living the way I need to be a tool in his hands, and praying for opportunities to be of service.

"Until the day when God will deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is contained in these two words, Wait and Hope."

                                             Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

A Very Important Date...

I've had many opportunities in my life, and I've made the best of many of them but four or so years ago I was not at my best, to put it lightly. I can never say that I hit rock bottom, because the truth of it is that I was never a crack addict living on the street. I did not lose my family, nor did I ever do anything so bad as to merit going to jail. Strike that. I suppose that in order to avoid lying I should say that I never got caught doing anything so bad as to merit going to jail.

What I did do was lose myself. Insecure and lonely, I repeatedly compromised my values in order to gain the acceptance that I desperately craved. There was a big part of me that didn't want to be seen as the do-gooder over-achiever that the other part of me needed to be. But every concession I made moved me further away from who I really was. Putting on the façade was exhausting- mentally and emotionally- but I don't think I ever really fooled anybody. Sure I partied with them... but there's hardly anybody from high school that I keep in touch with. All I succeeded in doing was becoming a wake and bake, college dropout by the age of 18, losing my passion and vigor for life in the process. Ambition is one of the very defining characteristics I possess, but I completely lost it, along with my integrity.

Harrison Ford once said "We all have big changes in our lives that are more or less a second chance."

Three years ago today I was baptized in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Things have not always been easy, and they have not always been fun, but it was the most important decision that I made in my life, and it has helped me to leave behind momentary happiness for genuine joy. My goals and priorities have changed... but it's funny how they're pretty much right in line with what I wanted all along. I found my "home" in the gospel and I am so grateful that the missionaries found me, and that my parents prepared me so that my heart could recognize the truth when it came knocking.

I truly have come to know that this is the only true church, that it was established by Jesus Christ himself and that it was restored by Joseph Smith. I cannot describe how much peace I get from the knowledge that Christ's atonement was for me and everyone I love (actually, everyone in general). Not only did he remove the burden of my sins, but he suffered every pain, loneliness, etc. and I know that I can turn to him to remove the weight of every weakness, infliction, sadness that I ever have.

In the immortal words of Robert Frost, I took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.