I was washing dishes in the tiny kitchen of our rented apartment during my last visit to Cameroon. I was bent low over the sink, leaning on my forearms and scouring half-heartedly while doing a sort of bent over cat-cow stretch to coax the pain out of my lower back. I sensed movement out of the corner of my eye and glanced over my shoulder to see Steve — who had been observing me from the kitchen doorway — turn and walk away.
I had just enough time to think an uncharitable thought or two about my (admittedly sick) husband before I heard him beckon to me. I shook the dingy bubbles off my hands, stood up slowly and made my way to the bedroom. As I wiped my hands on my thighs, Steve asked me softly to take off my shirt. Without another word, he laid me face down on the bed, warmed some baby oil between his palms and went to town on my sore back.
I remember I felt pretty grateful to have such a perceptive and caring husband, even when he himself was not feeling well. I also distinctly remember thinking "I could get used to this."
Alone in my kitchen, half a world away, I felt the sudden sting of loneliness and longing. I felt robbed of the company and attention of my spouse. The kind of profound ache and sense of injustice that have a tendency to spiral into a hard-done-by mood.
But before I could settle into my woe, the Spirit saw fit to comfort me with a crucial thought: The things you desire and miss the most right now are the very things that you may take for granted in the near future. This experience will teach you to always feel gratitude and find joy in the simple daily blessings... if you let it.
I quickly found myself ruminating on how familiarity lends itself to declining appreciation of the people and things and little moments that give so much meaning to our lives.
I thought back to some of the hardest moments and feelings of the past several months: spending our birthdays and other holidays apart; living hypothetically — sharing dreams and making plans together, but having no ability to act on them; the feeling of being in limbo while watching others reach life milestones together.
Truthfully, I doubt whether the joy and gratitude I might have felt to celebrate my birthday with Steve would have been equal in proportion to the gut-wrenching ache of another birthday without him. Can you honestly say you woke up on your last birthday feeling giddy just because your spouse was there to share the day with you? Especially if you've been married for more than a nanosecond? It's not necessarily that you don't appreciate it. You're just used to it. You expect it. It's the norm.
In fact, all the things that I miss or crave with the force of a sucker punch to the gut are the ordinary blessings that I could easily overlook if they were the rule, rather than the exception:
- A hug on a difficult day
- A kiss goodnight
- A conversation that doesn't sound like a Verizon commercial in 2002 ("Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now?")
- His arm around me at church
- His hand in mine while walking the dog
- His spontaneous bursts of song and dance
- Shared context
- Shared friends
- Shared meals
- Praying and studying scriptures and attending the temple together
- Adventuring out to discover a new restaurant or museum
- Movie nights cuddled up on the couch
The list could go on and on.
I've started keeping track of precise moments and experiences that cause the "sting" (as I call it) because I desperately don't want to take any of those simple blessings for granted. I'd like to think the memory of this painful time will change our hearts and galvanize us to be grateful always... but I know that's pretty unlikely. We'll get used to being together. Our life together will get hectic with jobs and kids and callings. Sweet quirks will become infuriating pet peeves (I mean, the Bible does say familiarity breeds contempt, right?!)
So when it's routine how do we recognize the daily blessings for what they really are?
How do we continue to acknowledge the supernal blessing of waking up with our partner at our side rather than being quick to grumble about their snoring or blanket thievery?
How do we tap into the immense joy of being able to share the responsibilities of the day with our eternal companion rather than getting bogged down by the crush of everything we have to do?
Since I've been thinking about these things, I've been paying more and more attention to what the general authorities have to say on the topic of gratitude. I was especially touched by something President James E. Faust once said:
The thankful heart opens our eyes to a multitude of blessings that continually surround us.
Though this isn't exactly a new concept, I was chastened to realize that I don't practice gratitude enough in my life right now. It's not enough just to identify the things that I don't want to take for granted in the future (the anticipated blessings). I need to be better about expressing gratitude in my present circumstances so that I can more clearly see the abundant blessings in my life today.
Right now.
Whether or not my husband is here with me.
Maybe I'm just slow, but when I read Elaine S. Marshall's promise that gratitude is the gateway to joy a realization hit me upside the head: I would be a lot happier during this waiting period if I focused more on cultivating gratitude for the blessings I currently have in my life.
As my beloved President Thomas S. Monson said:
Regardless of our circumstance, each of us has much for which to be grateful, if we will but pause and contemplate our blessings.
But wait. At first, the circular nature of Pres. Faust and Pres. Monson's statements seem to present a bit of a chicken and egg challenge. Being grateful helps you see the blessings around you. But recognizing the blessings around you is what helps you to feel grateful. So where to begin?
But the more I thought about this, the more I realized that it doesn't really matter where you start. Just start. Find one thing in your day that you learned or that went your way and thank God for it. But for real. Tell him how it made you feel, why it was significant to you. Soon you'll find three or seven or 25 things to thank God for.
Then find one opportunity in your day to thank someone else. That person who held the door for you or the friend who texted out of the blue or the co-worker who picked up the pen that you dropped. Watch as the positive energy you start to radiate grows and begins to be reflected back to you.
This positive feedback loop is one of God's most wonderful — if subtle — gifts, I realized. Take these three statements together and you literally have the recipe for a home ever increasing in gratitude, joy and love.
No joke, as I started to cultivate more gratitude the residual darkness of a summer of excruciating depression gave way to a brilliant, colourful dawn. The Lord blessed me with more opportunities to serve and deepen friendships. And almost immediately Steve and I were blessed with more peace and harmony in our relationship. The amount of joy I felt on a daily basis increased exponentially.
Of course, nothing is foolproof, and I'm far from perfect. I still felt the prick of jealousy when other young couples announced their pregnancies. My eyes still welled up with tears the first time I saw a fellow ward member sitting at church with his family member after a months-long separation while he searched for work. But the negative feelings are more quickly supplanted. The envy quickly transforms into vicarious joy, increased appreciation for the blessings I now enjoy and precious hope for the daily blessings that will soon be mine and Steve's.
Our time will come. And when it does, I pray that we never become complacent, but that we always cultivate gratitude for the ordinary, everyday blessings. It is my fondest wish that we always recognize how lucky we are to be together.
I really hope we never get used to it.
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